ParANNOYia

I have been married almost a year now and I must say I never thought I would ever meet the right woman to spend the rest of my life with. But after many years and many heartless, diabolical, bloodsucking, broom wielding witches, I have. I never realized the weight that bore on my mind and soul thinking that I would go through life one failed relationship after another… never finding her. But no more. It seems people think that to have a successful marriage, you need to have everything in common… similar interests, similar loves, similar hates, similar hygiene... All of that is good, and probably somewhat important, but the one thing I have found that’s critical to a successful marriage, is to be best friends... If you are best friends, everything else will fall into place. I got lucky, because not only have I found a best friend, we also have so much in common… and the things that we don’t have in common we just make fun of.. Like her “crappy preference in movies” and my “crappy taste in music”... I don’t know one person that considers the movie “Moulin Rouge” a visionary masterpiece... But EVERYONE is a Slayer fan.. Am I right?

I truly love her.

There is a particular common opinion we share... One that I thought only existed in my sometimes scary brain and no one else’s… And that is, we both find most every person we meet, sit next to, or encounter at any time anywhere…… at minimum……..annoying… a lot of times brutally annoying… From the corpse at the Wal-Mart entrance to the booze jockey at the club and the happy family at the mall to the sack monkey at Kroger…and the tone deaf hag singing behind us in Church... All annoying. No one but our family is safe from this ParANNOYia. We don’t know why, we can’t explain it…. it just is... It’s nothing we verbalize other than to each other in the car on the way home... It’s nothing that consumes us, it’s just a funny personality flaw we share and can’t seem to suppress. My wife is an EMT which makes it hilarious... So if you happen to be lying torso deep through your car windshield and my wife is the first EMT to respond… don’t whine about the pain... or get any blood, piss or puke on her uniform... or start with that “tell my wife I love her” crap... she can save your life just fine without all the drama.

Speaking of singing behind us in Church, why do people raise there hands during the songs?

Are they airing out the pits?

Do they have a question?

The first time I saw Eudora Welty next to me "singing", raising her hands I thought she was starting a WAVE so I raised mine and yelled WOOAAHHH! But it wasn’t a WAVE. It’s bad enough we have to hear her gargle and hack through the songs… we then have to “say hello to some folks sitting around you”… and shake hands with them. I am germ-phobic so this is absolutely horrifying for me. We get there early so we can get a front row seat to lessen the number of people we have to come in contact with. I get overwhelmed when I have to shake hands with people both in front and in back of me. I envision the creepy crawly germs packing their stuff to migrate to my person… To ease my stress, my wife started bringing a tiny bottle of hand sanitizer with us to Church. After we shake hands with everyone I slowly sneak it out of my pocket, quietly dispense it, and carefully pass it to her, then she does the same and sneaks it back. Stealth-like... I am not sure if we are worried that someone might be offended that we are disinfecting after shaking their hands or if God might not appreciate that we think his children are dirty. Anyway, it’s helped my germ anxiety, and I thank her for that, but what’s with the hand sanitizer that has aloe, lanolin, Vitamin E and moisturizers… poofing little pink bubbles when you rub it in your hands… UGH!, COME ON!.. When I use hand sanitizer I want it to feel like the flesh is burning off of my bones…. I want it to feel like I just took a shotgun blast to the palms… all that other crap is just making the germs supple... I am going to create a hand sanitizer for men... “Chemical Warfare”. “Comes complete with a pack of wind resistant matches for convenient ignition”…

Yes, I did a lot of name calling in this post, but we aren’t really that way, it’s just me trying to be funny.

However,

my wife and I finding most everyone but the family annoying??

...We are most definitely that way.