Satan's Farts

Little Miracle

2011-08-26T10:24:00.026-04:00

An open letter to the unborn of the world…
Well, unborn, but really, really close to being born.
You know. The HALF DAY between water break, and crowning…

I know it must be nice and comfy floating around safe in mommy's belly for months and months without a care in the world. Tumbling around, doing front handsprings, kicking and punching for a giggle…You have a Wii in there or what??
But when that 9th month approaches, sorry kiddo the vacation is over. The fat lady is doing her tongue trills and is ready to hit a C sharp. We have been waiting so very long to meet you, so after the water breakage, why must you make us wait so long to see you?
One day, probably in the middle your gymnastics routine, unexpectedly, you’re going to feel and hear sudden GUUUSSSHHHH of water, kind of like a tsunami, but without all the drama. That day when the parental flood gates finally give way... Do us all a favor and HEAD FOR THE LIGHT! When your 90 and they tell you to “Head for the light” don’t fall for it… but you’re ZERO, so dagnabbit, when you feel the water pressure go to NIL... Come on Down! 14 hours of labor!!?? Seriously? Even Teamsters give up after 8 hours of labor. Are you waiting for that perfect moment? Maybe when Mommy is finally getting some sleep? Your entrance is going to be grand enough, the red carpet is down, so no more of this tomfoolery. The ribcage death grip and grasshopper shuffle might be good for a chuckle, but it isn’t going to stop the inevitable, it only delays it… a lot, and we find that really annoying. Just pretend you’re on the H2WHOA slide at Mount Splashmore and come say hello to us. You have some very irritable, exhausted, cranky, nerve wrecked people outside waiting for you, otherwise known as family.

On Monday, August 22nd at 6:23am we have an addition to the family.
My first granddaughter, Chloe Michelle Johnson.
It has been over 30 years since I have seen a newborn baby in person, and I must say it drew some tears. The wait was worth every second.
Such a tiny little girl, so fragile, so helpless, so perfect.

As we go through life we see many amazing things.
Things that take our breath away.

But they all pale in comparison.
Because today, right before my eyes,
I have seen God’s greatest little miracle.
Welcome to the world Chloe,
With all my love… Grandpa.

Family Dog

2010-11-17T16:50:00.011-05:00

Recently our 5 year old mini Schnauzer, Molly, was diagnosed with bladder stones AND a herniated disk in her spine. All within 2 days. I guess if you’re going to have 2 things go bad, may as well do them at once and get all the cutting and stitching over in 1 shot so we don’t have to have her heal up then go right back through it all. Bladder ¾ full of stones and a disk that has disabled her back left leg. I think doing research on the illnesses is a good thing, but its also pretty scary to read some of the horror stories. The stones are out, no big deal, change the diet and should be good for the rest of her life.. but rehabilitating the leg is another story. It might come back in a month.. it might come back in a year.. it might come back never.. there is no way to tell.
The week she was in the hospital was one of the most difficult things we have been through.. We knew she was in good hands, but we also knew she was pretty scared and alone. The first day home she was pretty much out of it, like a 17 lb floppy eared marshmallow.
Then day 2 she started to realize she was home with us and safe.
Day 3: eating, reacting to our voices, growling at the cats and squirrels through the window.
Day 4: standing, gingerly moving around showing some movement in the leg.
MUCH more improvement than we ever expected, especially in such a short time.
Here we are at day 5 and other than her leg she is just fine. She shows improvement everyday and we have no doubts that before too long she will be running around the back yard looking for that special “spot”… We were having trouble getting her to “evacuate her bladder”, (Cindy with her medical terms rubbing off on me.), ugh, getting her to PEE. And since that’s where the stones were we knew we had to find a way to get her to go...
It took a little learning on our part though to get her to “Go” in the back yard after her surgeries.
We would suit up for the cold carry her in the back yard, gently set her down and try and get her into the required position, but she just wasn’t going at all. This worried us.
It seems Molly is a little timid when it comes to whizzing in a crowd... Who would have thought? Most dogs do it all the time. Although I guess I would be a bit hesitant myself to free the beast with 2 people lurching over me with a 6 cell MAG flashlight shining directly on my junk. So after trying several different things, we decided to get her in position, go behind the gazebo and give her some privacy.
TA-DA! On the road to tinklesville! What a relief…
… for all of us..

I have had a few friends at work that ask how she is doing and express their concerns and support, and I can’t thank them enough. And there are the few, special co-workers.. more “farmer types” that express support in a more instant, permanent kind of way.., “ you’ins spent $4000 on a dog? Heck, if’n yall want, I’ll take her out behind the sleepin barn an vittle her up to the cayotes”
Hmm... What do you say to that? Ok, so I’m exaggerating... a bit.
After many, many prayers from us, our family and friends Molly is doing just fine. And if her leg never fully recovers from this than that’s ok, we are just happy to have her back home where she belongs. Some would say we are crazy for spending so much money on Molly, after all, “its just a dog”.
I tend to look at it a little differently.
Molly didn’t choose us, we chose her, and to me that carries a great responsibility.
It was God’s plan to bring Molly into our lives,
But it was our plan to make her family.
Bless you Molly, we love you very much.

ParANNOYia

2009-08-28T10:27:00.031-04:00

I have been married almost a year now and I must say I never thought I would ever meet the right woman to spend the rest of my life with. But after many years and many heartless, diabolical, bloodsucking, broom wielding witches, I have. I never realized the weight that bore on my mind and soul thinking that I would go through life one failed relationship after another… never finding her. But no more. It seems people think that to have a successful marriage, you need to have everything in common… similar interests, similar loves, similar hates, similar hygiene... All of that is good, and probably somewhat important, but the one thing I have found that’s critical to a successful marriage, is to be best friends... If you are best friends, everything else will fall into place. I got lucky, because not only have I found a best friend, we also have so much in common… and the things that we don’t have in common we just make fun of.. Like her “crappy preference in movies” and my “crappy taste in music”... I don’t know one person that considers the movie “Moulin Rouge” a visionary masterpiece... But EVERYONE is a Slayer fan.. Am I right?

I truly love her.

There is a particular common opinion we share... One that I thought only existed in my sometimes scary brain and no one else’s… And that is, we both find most every person we meet, sit next to, or encounter at any time anywhere…… at minimum……..annoying… a lot of times brutally annoying… From the corpse at the Wal-Mart entrance to the booze jockey at the club and the happy family at the mall to the sack monkey at Kroger…and the tone deaf hag singing behind us in Church... All annoying. No one but our family is safe from this ParANNOYia. We don’t know why, we can’t explain it…. it just is... It’s nothing we verbalize other than to each other in the car on the way home... It’s nothing that consumes us, it’s just a funny personality flaw we share and can’t seem to suppress. My wife is an EMT which makes it hilarious... So if you happen to be lying torso deep through your car windshield and my wife is the first EMT to respond… don’t whine about the pain... or get any blood, piss or puke on her uniform... or start with that “tell my wife I love her” crap... she can save your life just fine without all the drama.

Speaking of singing behind us in Church, why do people raise there hands during the songs?

Are they airing out the pits?

Do they have a question?

The first time I saw Eudora Welty next to me "singing", raising her hands I thought she was starting a WAVE so I raised mine and yelled WOOAAHHH! But it wasn’t a WAVE. It’s bad enough we have to hear her gargle and hack through the songs… we then have to “say hello to some folks sitting around you”… and shake hands with them. I am germ-phobic so this is absolutely horrifying for me. We get there early so we can get a front row seat to lessen the number of people we have to come in contact with. I get overwhelmed when I have to shake hands with people both in front and in back of me. I envision the creepy crawly germs packing their stuff to migrate to my person… To ease my stress, my wife started bringing a tiny bottle of hand sanitizer with us to Church. After we shake hands with everyone I slowly sneak it out of my pocket, quietly dispense it, and carefully pass it to her, then she does the same and sneaks it back. Stealth-like... I am not sure if we are worried that someone might be offended that we are disinfecting after shaking their hands or if God might not appreciate that we think his children are dirty. Anyway, it’s helped my germ anxiety, and I thank her for that, but what’s with the hand sanitizer that has aloe, lanolin, Vitamin E and moisturizers… poofing little pink bubbles when you rub it in your hands… UGH!, COME ON!.. When I use hand sanitizer I want it to feel like the flesh is burning off of my bones…. I want it to feel like I just took a shotgun blast to the palms… all that other crap is just making the germs supple... I am going to create a hand sanitizer for men... “Chemical Warfare”. “Comes complete with a pack of wind resistant matches for convenient ignition”…

Yes, I did a lot of name calling in this post, but we aren’t really that way, it’s just me trying to be funny.

However,

my wife and I finding most everyone but the family annoying??

...We are most definitely that way.

A Simple Question

2008-09-03T14:42:00.013-04:00

How do I express appreciation for all the special things you do for me?
How do I make you the happiest woman in the world?
How do I tell you that you have given me a new lust for life?
What could I possibly do to express the debt I owe, for everything you have given me?
How do I let you know every minute of every day, that I love you more than life itself?
How do I thank you for being my very best friend?
How do I put into words the joy of knowing you have changed my life forever?
What do I do for the one person who truly loves me unconditionally?
What do I say to the one person in the world that completes my heart and soul?

I will never find an answer to even a single one of these questions.
I don’t need an answer to even a single one of these questions.

I will be truly blessed if God gives me a lifetime with you..
..just to keep asking

For my loving wife, Cindy.

me

2007-03-01T09:38:00.001-05:00

Heywujashuvit

2006-09-27T11:33:00.000-04:00

Our amusing version of a theme park is called 6 Flags Kentucky Kingdom.
Some genius in marketing came up with the idea to allow free admission and "front of the line" privileges for a day for any dinkus willing to eat a
3 inch...........
Yeah, sounds ok.
Madagascar...........
Please be a giant tootsie roll
Hissing................
OK, a hissing tootsie roll?
cockroach!
Um, ok.
Well thank you fear factor....That's just wrong, disgusting and foul. I refuse to eat anything that can survive a nuclear holocaust. If we could just get all the patrons to eat one....the "front of line privilege" concept would be screwed....but probably funny to watch. I am sure 100's of people will partake risking all self respect and dignity, but how bad could it be? They are fat free. Eh, just pretend your eating a White Castle.... With legs... and horns......the hissing, the spitting, putrid ooze filled....... Oh, wait it's exactly like eating a White Castle. Here is the funny part, like said, The challenge: Eat a live 3 inch Madagascar hissing cockroach and get free admission into KK with full line privileges. Some battle-hag from P.E.T.A. actually called Kentucky Kingdom and demanded the Marketing department be terminated and KK fined because this activity was cruel to the roach. Cruel to the roach. Cruel to the roach. That phrase is burning my brain! You have got to be kidding me! I guess I should turn my self in. As a kid I used to burn the shit out of anything crawling on the driveway with the sun and a magnifying glass. Hint: If you use a flashlight through the magnifying glass at night, bugs tend to stagger and smolder instead of just poofing into dust. If I was the husband of this woman I would fill my undies with concrete and jump off of a bridge. Ugh....If you are that desperate for something to do here's an assignment and a support group for you Ms. P.E.T.A. Find Cindy Sheehan assemble all the other jobless nutjobs in your circle of friends and discover S.H.U.V.I.T! Spinsters Having Ungodly Volumes of Inane Time.

forgive and forget....

2006-07-18T19:06:00.001-04:00

My Mom passed away a several years ago, and for the most part she had a miserable life. But she hid it well. It wasn’t until after she died that my sister and I realized just how unhappy she was. Unfortunately the last 12 years of her life, she spent living with what truly has to be the most disgusting, foul……looking for a word here.. Person, no. Human being…..definitely not. Spawn of Satan? There we go. She spent the last 12 years of her existence living with what I now know was the spawn of the devil. If his parents would have just named him Spawn O Satan, it would have made it much easier to identify his curse and maybe Mom wouldn’t have dated him. But his parents are Evil too, so too trick us all they named him Greg.
Mom was very settled, in that she didn’t like change. They had a house together and she didn’t make that much money, so I am sure she stayed with him for fear of not being able to make it on her own. I moved in with them 6 months before she died. 6 months that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I had just gone through a divorce, and could have easily bought my own place, but because she was sick, something told me to stay with mom. I now realize that if I had chosen differently, Mom's suffering would have been much worse.
She was drugged up on morphine most of the time to dull the pain she had in her leg. (She had cancer that damaged her nerves), so she never ate, she didn’t understand what she was watching on TV, she couldn’t understand what you were telling her, she was pretty much a walking vegetable. As sad as that is, the piece of shit she lived with couldn’t care less. And he is the point of this post.
I sort of let it go after Mom died, but my sister felt compelled to write about him, and in my opinion she was way too nice, so here we go. First let me give you the visual. 37 years old, 5 feet 7, pushing 300lbs, giant man-boobs, grey teeth, and a foul odor. Those however are his good points.
Eating with him was dumbfounding. He would eat with his mouth gaping open, and I don’t mean a smack here and there… mouth gaping! Half of what he shoved in came back out. You know the sound when you stir wet mashed potatoes. Double that, Add some gurgling and verps and that was the sound of him eating. The only thing civil about it was that he actually did use a knife and fork, as opposed to cramming food in with his fist, which I suspect he did when he ate alone. He had diabetes, (which I won't make fun of), and 100% of the time he was on schedule with his insulin shot. Which is great, but does no good when you eat an entire bag of candy before bed. Mom used to have to get up 2 or 3 times a week to go in and give him tablets to shock him out of seizures. Even when she could barely speak, she somehow knew when they were happening and would go on to help him. Once she got too sick to help him, he was on his own, I wasn’t about to go in and baby-sit that asshole. I told him once mom is too sick to help that it will be a cold day in hell before I get out of bed in the middle of the night to shove a half dollar size tablet down his throat. It would be one thing if he had a condition that he couldn’t help, but he brought the seizures upon himself by eating candy all night. Fucking dumbass!!!
You have no idea how many times I heard the waterbed shaking in his room for about 20 minutes then suddenly stop. Half the time I expected to go in and find him dead. But he was a trooper, so I never got that lucky. So why did he eat candy all night? He had a bad marijuana habit. He would get home from work, go into the basement smoke a joint, come back up for his feeding frenzy, go back downstairs and smoke some more. Come back up stairs and watch TV and eat for the rest of the evening. He could never keep a job for more then 6 months and once they fired him, he would find a way to sue them. Suing people was his way of making up for lack of income. Once he went into a seizure while driving and injured his thumb. He got at least 3 lawsuits out of that one injury that was his own fault in the first place. He sued the driver that he hit. Then a year later claimed he injured it on the job and sued the company, and then later in another car crash, sued again because the injury was re-aggravated. He was fired for reckless driving, insubordination, and I think once he was actually fired because his co-workers took him out to lunch and witnessed the horror of his eating like a starving cow. Ok, I made that one up.
He also had a temper that I now wish I would have purged by smashing his face in with a man-hole cover, but with Mom being sick I didn’t want to cause any trouble. And bashing his face in might be a little unsettling. He was absolutely the rudest, loudest, cry baby piece of shit on earth. Restaurants, movie theater, the mall, he simply had no idea what a complete fool he repeatedly made of himself in public. Unless I told him, which was quite often. But he didn’t seem to care. I won’t go into it, but his family wasn’t much better. Especially his mom. That bitch I am sure is most of the reason Greg was the way he is. My sister was in college at the time and at least 3 times a week Greg’s mom would tell me “your sister needs to drop out of school and come home to help with your mom!” I finally lost it and told her “I have everything under control; college is the single most important thing right now for her, so shut the fuck up and let it go!!!!!” Her husband looked at me as if to say, “Finally someone said it”. She never mentioned it again. And I was right. Ang came to visit plenty. She was with Mom when she could be. There was really nothing more she could have done.
For so many years after Mom died I held hatred in my heart for that man. Sometimes I was consumed with all the things I never said to him. Consumed with letting him get away with his boorish and disgraceful behavior one more time. But I am older know, and have learned to forgive him. (Thank you G). If I hold hatred in my heart then he just continues to win. And I am better than that, so Greg, all is forgiven. A lesson to all: Forgiveness can heal the heart. Of course it’s a little easier for me to forgive because, well... what comes around goes around. A few years ago, what came around was a massive heart attack killing him before his face hit the floor. What goes around is the fact that he is going straight to hell. If he doesn’t go….. Then we are all safe. Living well is the best revenge? I would never seek revenge. In this case just living is good enough for me.

Nothing....... is bad

2006-07-18T18:56:00.001-04:00

What is the most important thing in life? There are many arguable answers…..Religion, Family, Love? These are all very important things and life certainly wouldn’t be the wonderful thing it is without them, but if they all went away tomorrow we would still have to find a way to be happy. In a perfect world we would have them all. But in this world happiness is what is most important to me.
Spend time cherishing your family. Spend time living your religion. Spend time loving the one your with. Whether you have all of these or none, always make time to find happiness, because without family, we are empty. Without religion, we are lost. Without love we are alone. But without happiness we are nothing.

Brokeback Mountain?

2006-03-14T20:59:00.000-05:00

Why would any one want to see a gay cowboy love story? There are no gay cowboys, that’s just silly. You will never see a homosexual man ride a horse, jump off of it landing on a defenseless calf, flip it over, and hog tie it in 20 seconds. OK, there was one gay cowboy, but he was in the Village People, so he didn't really get dirty or have to hog tie anything. He just sang and pranced around in bare assed chaps... don't get me wrong... I have nothing against being gay...I just have a problem with cowboys. And where were the zombies? That would have made the movie worth seeing. Maybe next year they will make a movie about lesbian ballerinas.....it's just as believable...call it Plie' in the Bush......HA!
Bareback Mounting: “two lovers torn” like there asses….

Ask and you shall receive..

2005-11-10T20:42:00.000-05:00

My little sis had this genius idea for her blog. Post some questions for her readers, but instead of just answering them, you’re supposed to pick any band or any singer and answer all the questions by using their song titles. And even though she never answered my 5 questions, (look down a few posts), that I worked so hard on, (Little help Karla?), I answered hers. Once again proving that I am the superior sibling. So the question remains, what band or artist do I pick?
Mac Davis, Culture Club, Boxcar Willie, Wham, The Monkeys? Nah…..after about 4 seconds of consideration, I chose PANTERA! So here we go.

Are you male or female: Medicine Man

Describe yourself: Shedding Skin

How do some people feel about you: Clash With Reality

How do you feel about yourself: Fucking Hostile

Describe where you want to be: A New Level

Describe what you want to be: Strength Beyond Strength

Describe how you live: Living Through Me

Describe how you love: Use My Third Arm

Share a few words of wisdom: 13 Steps To Nowhere

I rule, you blow.

DOOMED

2005-10-25T19:48:00.000-04:00

Saturday I went to see DOOM , a movie I have been excited about seeing since I heard it was coming out. If it’s anything like the game, it should prove to be the scariest movie since On Golden Pond. Someone told me not to get my hopes up because “what if it sucks?” How could it suck? The video games have been scaring the crap out of kids and adults for years. Suck!? How dare you!! Well, for the most part…….it sucked…..Except!.... for the final 25 minutes.
I consider myself somewhat of an expert on Horror….what is creepy, what is scary, what makes you jump, what makes you cringe, what makes your heart PUMP, and what makes you SCREAM!!! (Which is the best)….. Not only did it scare you, but it made you vocalize it… DOOM had a few jumps, a few cringes…… EH… But the last 25 minutes, the movie went into 1st person view, (see title picture), like it had promised……. Actually one of the most visually stunning things I have seen in horror in a very long time. If they would have added 30 more minutes of it in the movie…..I would have considered it a Horror movie revolution.
Thanks G!

Silence of the hag

2005-10-03T18:02:00.000-04:00

Dear Ms. Sheehan, please go home. We have all heard what you have to say. You’ve made your point. There are hundreds of mothers in our country that have lost a child in this War, but none of them is acting like a raging lunatic. I am quite certain your son wasn’t forced to join the military. It’s not just about earning tuition; it’s about defending our country, which your son courageously did. Remember that when you receive your sons Purple Heart and do us all a favor: pierce it through you top lip, then snap it through the bottom one.

Hi Mom

2005-10-02T10:13:00.000-04:00

It’s been a while, so I thought I would send you a note. Something has been bothering me for a while, so I thought I would make peace with it. I wasn’t there when you died, and although it’s the way you wanted it, I just want you to know I sometimes wish I could have been there, just to say a prayer and goodbye. The only way to tell you things is through prayer, as most people do with God. So, since you are in Heaven, I guess when I speak to you, I speak to him as well. Which is good. My prayers to you aren’t often enough. Thanks for watching over me and Ang, we love you very much. I hope both of you enjoy the blog. Chris

Water or fire? You pick.

2005-09-30T19:52:00.000-04:00

A category 4 hurricane headed straight for your city.
Act of God.

Making the responsible decision to flee the city by bus to survive.
God bless you.

On the way, the bus screeching to a halt, then blasting into a raging inferno killing nearly everyone.

damn the luck

Hair today, DEAD tomorrow.

2005-09-28T19:32:00.000-04:00

If there were a human hair protruding from the end of your next cigarette, would you actually bother to remove it?

Ms. NB. Goo’s 5 questions.

2005-09-27T20:05:00.000-04:00

1) If a tree falls in the woods, and no one is there to hear it,
how many hippies cry?

2) You’re at heavens gate. St. Peter tells you that you will burn in Hell for an eternity unless you donate 1 pint of blood to the local Reverse Vampire Society. No clinic for you though. He hands you a magical Exacto Knife. Where do you cut?

3) Somehow, you acquire 15 minutes of fame and are granted 10 seconds to say something inspiring to the entire world. You have written down 11 words. What are they?

4) You have created a truth serum from incense ashes, tequila and Gracie pee cakes, but only have one dose. Who do you give it to, and why?

5) You’re on a plane headed for a weekend vacation in sunny Crapville USA. The pilot informs you that both engines have failed and the plane is about to plow 90 degrees into a church parking lot. Your cell phone works, you have high speed internet service, you have Sims 2 on your PSP and a 60 ounce flask of premixed dirty martinis, (with extra olives), in your bloomers. What do you do?

Want to play?
The Official Interview Game Rules:
1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below asking to be interviewed.
2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Followed by demon

2005-09-26T20:20:00.000-04:00

A truly amazing thing happened to me this past Sunday. Amazing…..not because of what I found, or what it meant to me when I first acquired it, or even that somehow, it is back in my possession after so long. Amazing, because this stupid little piece of plastic has survived 20 years……… traveling through 6 different residences, probably dozens of boxes, jean pockets, washers and dryers, the dogs mouth, and shortly after probably the dog's ass…..….who knows? The following is the e-mail I sent to my sis….

So, this kind of freaked me out.....and is STILL freaking me out........This story might be long… with a small point at the end… you know, like our cousins head….HA!
When I was 15 years old I went to see Kiss in concert at Freedom Hall. Mom and Dad drove me and a friend of mine down at noon for a 9pm concert......this was KISS! A band I had worshiped since I was 9........ and more importantly, I was going to see my all time idol.....IN person....the demon himself…….up close and right there in my fucking face MAN!!!!... (sorry, flashback there)...Gene Simmons! Notice we got there 8 hours early... (yes we were first in line and in the FIRST ROW!) I remember wishing a flame geyser would torch Queensryche so we could get to the main attraction... When it finally came time.....House lights cued......fade to black, in 3, 2, 1….. my ears bleeding.......mainly from my own screams......Kiss came out and Blew the roof off of the place......... I noticed Gene, (5 feet out and 6 feet up from me), grabbing guitar picks from his mike stand and tossing them out to the crowd......(bored yet?....I'm getting to the point).......so towards the end of the show, Gene blasts out with my all time favorite song of his, God of Thunder, (again, I was 15, stop laughing), He ended the song with a typical incoherent scream, my face half melting, he reaches down, grabs a pick, and I swear to Alah, looks down right at me, smiles.....AIMS……. and spins it to me like a frisbee.......which I caught like a chipmunk in a bear trap, bashing every face in my way. Luckily it was the last song, because you would have thought I had just inherited the Earth.......Giddy like a fag, the concert ends...... we go home.......
I kept the pick guarded like the Dead Sea Scrolls...... (bored yet? asspunch. ) About 2 months later after showing it off to everyone in the free world.....I lost it...... and never saw it again..... so let’s do the math.... I was 15 at the time.... 1984.... 20+ YEARS AGO.....................

I found the fucking thing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, I was cleaning out my attic, combined some stuff and threw down all the empty boxes… started to break them down for the garbage. When ripping apart one special little box, I see something fall to the garage floor. I look down to see a guitar pick. My first instinct was, “how in the hell did my pick get out here”…..then I reached down to see a blank... black guitar pick, thinking, “this isn’t mine…. cool, I have an extra pick!” When I turned it over to see the name “Gene” on the front and an outline of his eye paint, I almost fudged my huggies. What a flashback! I didn’t remember one second of this, until I turned over that tiny piece of plastic. BLAM!!!! What a rush.....
I had hair-band-tunnel-vision…… I just sat there and relived everything you just read...……relived what now would be translated to a true living hell. Seeing Kiss “live” now is like seeing the Rolling Stones “live” now…..We were done with you guys “live” 15 years ago. I can't believe they are still "alive" to be honest.
DIE ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry, the point is… Gene Simmons threw me a guitar pick at a concert in 1984, which I caught……. but then lost it 2 months later. And then found it 20 years after that. I rule you blow

Reerry annoying preese.......

2005-09-10T13:05:00.000-04:00

A buddy of mine, Anthony, bought me lunch the other day for giving him a pc for his church. I figure it should keep me from an eternity in Hell….It couldn’t hurt... right?
He informed me that Mac, another friend from work and a new intern would be joining us. Anthony and I got there first so we get a table in the non smoking section for 4. They show up and motion us to sit on the other side of the room; I motion back, "we already have a table, so sit your asses down." Mac motions again…… so.. to get lunch over with, we pick up our utensils and drinks and follow them to the other side of the room. I say to Mac, “I had a table for 4 over there" (Mac)………”Well this is the smoking section”. I fire back, “you’re kidding…I’m not sitting in the smoking section.” Then this wonderful intern says: "But I smoke". (Brain now pulsing with rage), "SO! I don't, and neither does Anthony or Mac." She was frozen like I told her that her dog had died. To get lunch over with, I immediately smile with my usual charm and move on like it was a joke. Ugh, whatever i'll eat like a garbage disposal and finish before she lights up. Plate one: (Chinese buffet)…I devoured 5 crab rangoons, some shrimp noodle crap and some sushi. Jumped up to get plate 2 down before Ms. “Jittery without nicotine” lights up. I couldn't even get the first piece of egg roll down and I here “click, click”, and look up to the horror of her sparking a cancer stick. I clearly had a mound of food enough to feed the homeless for a month. I continue eating until the refreshing aroma of DEATH reaches my nostrils. Then immediately push my plate away, wipe my mouth and resist the urge to crack her forehead with the soy sauce bowl. She says "Oh did I ruin your meal"? I said, "No, I was almost finished anyway, and we ARE in the smoking section",(again a mound of fucking food I had barely touched on my plate), so 5 minutes goes by and everyone else finishes she proceeds to light up again. Anthony and I just got up and left. 5 fucking minutes and I would have been done with plate 2....And what i will never understand is all the effort put in to trying to direct nearly weightless smoke in an air-conditioned room by waving your arms like a dumbshit…....Like she is directing traffic on the fucking Audubon. Holding the cig waaay out....To me it looks like she is trying to fly with one arm, because the other arm is somehow stiffened by the cigarette as if rigor mortis has set in….I guess she should get used to it……………..THAT DOES NO GOOD WHEN YOU EXHALE OVER THE MOTHER FUCKING TABLE YOU DIRTY PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!! Smoke if you want, but don’t be a jackass.

In case you weren't paying attention......

2005-08-22T09:09:00.000-04:00

FUCK YOU Bell South!!!!!!
I am having BroadBand installed Thursday. they screwed me again.. Posting the story Friday.

FUCK YOU Bell South!!

2005-08-22T09:07:00.000-04:00

Your heard me.....Fuck You!!!

Latest sibling to sibling insults

2005-08-17T20:46:00.000-04:00

crotchmunch
pillowbiter
shithead
asscrap
asspole
asswipe
frog balls
Her comment: “Actually asshole it was Frog Nuts!”
asshole
frog Nuts
…And she said she would shred my spine with a shrimp fork.

Awww, CRAP!!

2005-08-12T08:40:00.000-04:00

I am reposting sibling insults tonight. I left my list at home. nnnrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!

I didn't do it......

2005-08-11T19:24:00.000-04:00

My sister strongly suggested that I post this e-mail I wrote to her about a week ago discussing whether or not to sleep in a tent, or just get a hotel room for an upcoming party we are going to attend out in the country. (And I am planning a 4am prank when everyone is asleep).

Well, that’s what I was getting at, 2 e-mails ago. There is no way to know.... it could be raining assjuice sideways for all we know.....I know!!! Lets just take the tent to the hotel and set it up in that room downstairs... HA!!!!!! I would say, wait until the week of, when they sort of know what the weather will be....and just go from there.... If it is low 80's I would think with a small fan in the tent, it would be cool enough to sleep...... and we will be so drunk I don’t think it will be a problem..........but either way, its going to be a pain in the ass to set up……..and set it up again, because we fucked it up. And I am predicting the phrase, “Is that a bug or a beer can?”; I think we might actually die if we sleep outside....... I am not a boy scout!!!! Anyone have an inflatable bed?? Shit, we would be on a field of crabgrass.... it sort of sounds like a pain the monkey button..... I guess we will figure it out..... and yes... BlogHag IS funny. Oh here is another idea....wait until about 4 am, pull my truck up to a tent and kick on the lights and horn at the same time............ That fat guy that helped me cook last year will have circulatory failure........ I WILL NOT SPEND THE ENTIRE DAY FUCKING COOKING AGAIN.... IF THEY PUT ME ON THE GRILL AGAIN, I WILL BE PISSED!!.....I don’t mind helping, but to say...."Hi Chris, nice to see you, Um, here are 2 grills and 3 deep fryers.... please cook for 100 people. "You people are vultures...I am going to spit in every 3rd burger!!!"
(Thanks Krusty the Klown).

In case any family members read this; I would not spit in the food, and you are not vultures. It’s from the Simpsons. The Simpsons is a cartoon. On TV. That giant black box in the corner of your living room that you continually ignore.

Q and A with S. Farts

2005-08-11T12:47:00.000-04:00

Brought to you by:
KarlaBabble

1. You cut off your right earlobe and mailed it to Pamela Anderson with a tiny love poem painstakingly written on it. She was so charmed that she had to meet you, and the two of you fell in love. Now, not only are doing Pam Anderson on a daily basis, but you're also flying all over the world for expensive vacations, living in a couple different mansions, and hanging with Hollywood stars. There's one tiny problem--now that you've been living the fantasy for 2 months, Pam has decided she can only love you if you wear ladies clothing and a dog collar and leash everywhere you go. The attire doesn't have to be big hoop skirts or satin evening gowns (because that would just be silly), but things like tube tops, bikini tops, mini skirts and capri pants with dainty but low-heeled sandals. Do you stay with her and conform to her wishes, or go back to your old life? (Oh and by the way, that whole hepatitis C thing was cured long ago.

(SF)- But I LIKE big hoop skirts and satin evening gowns. My biggest worry would be following Kid Rock….I know Pam and “Kid” didn’t have children, but the inbred redneck gene he possess is SO concentrated that I would suspect if Pam and I had a kid, it would be a drooling idiot with a forehead the size of a man hole cover. But, you only live once, What the hell…….Pawn the little retard off to the circus, continue to travel, and most importantly……..bang the BeJesus out of Pam on a daily basis.

2. What's the most embarrassing thing you've ever done? (I never get tired of this question.)

(SF)- Once as a kid, in church, on the upper balcony, I farted so loud, the pastor just for a second, actually stopped speaking.
Insert “pew” joke here.

3. Your darling sister Angela has become such an internet celebrity with her blog noodleburgoo.com, that she's let it all go to her head. She has now legally changed her name to Noodle Burgoo, and insists that you call her either Noodle, or Miss Burgoo. You love your sister and want her to be happy--do you indulge her and call her Noodle? Or tell her she's an idiot and refuse to go along with this ridiculous idea? Your friends think this is hilarious, and have started calling you names like Penne and Rotini.

(SF)- I would convince her to compromise like all loving siblings do and change her name to Miss Burgoodle. Then laugh my ass off after she did it.

4. If you could choose to do any job in the world, and money were not an object, what would it be?

(SF)- I would dress up like the Grim Reaper and by day, walk through nursing homes and just point at everybody. And nightly I would pick a resident at random and stand right next to the bed until they wake up.

5. Would you rather lose the use of your left leg forever, or live the rest of your life with the name Marilyn Prissypants?

(SF)- Well, that would depend on what my MIDDLE name would be.
I wouldn’t want to look silly.

>>>Do you dare request 5 questions from Satan’s Farts? I don’t recommend it, but if you're feeling brave let me know.

Want to play?
The Official Interview Game Rules:
1. If you want to participate, leave a comment below asking to be interviewed.
2. I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different.
3. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

You're all assholes and I hate every one of you.

2005-08-11T08:52:00.000-04:00

Look you jackasses; I am new to this blog thing. How about I "rerun" a dump truck over your rib cages? Ha! Sorry, I got so excited about a link I got to work, I accidentally reposted, or reran a post or something. Actually I’m not sorry. Go to hell. Quiz in a few.

Lottery Hell......

2005-08-09T19:18:00.000-04:00

I stopped at Quickie Mart today, 6th in line with 2 cashiers. One playing with garbage, the other counting LOTTERY TICKETS! I am absolutely cursed with this… If I am not first in line, whoever is in front of me, usually EVERYONE in front of me has a fist full of these damn things that have to be penciled in, “No mam, they need to be hexagons not circles.”…..scanned, (but NOT through the credit card reader), rescanned, punched, coded, processed, then finally printed. By the time Goober Dipshit has printed 4 tickets…….Mr. Lotto asshole has already violated 20 scratch-offs like a raving lunatic and is waiting to cash in the winners… transaction # 3!!!!!!!! If we were cartoons, I would have crushed his brainpan with an Acme anvil. Somewhere, one of my X girlfriends has a little voodoo doll of me standing 13th in line in a little quickie mart diorama, with a little voodoo bastard 1ST in line with 18 fucking lottery tickets glued to his little voodoo bastard hand! Who ever you are! Please for the love of GOD…. Shove a needle in my eye……saw off my limbs…..SET ME ON FIRE! But please for the love of God, end this lottery hell!

dark,warm puddles...

2005-08-08T22:24:00.000-04:00

Recently, a brown substance later identified as…
Doe whiz…
Buck juice....
DEER URINE!!!! was found in a state supervisor’s office, covering the desk, chairs and half of the floor. (On radio), the last thing the reporter said was, "Investigators are trying to determine whether this was an accident, or a prank."
Hmmmm, an accident? BUUZZZZZ!!!!! as in WWRROONGG!!
I WILL figure out the most logical explanation of how this could have possibly been an accident. Any ideas of your own? GO!

Oh well.

2005-08-03T22:12:00.000-04:00

50 of my co-workers and I each put in 2 cents and bought one lottery ticket.
We didn’t win.

Burning my brain..

2005-07-25T21:34:00.000-04:00

I bought a 12 pack of tube socks today that came in a resealable bag. I can’t quit thinking about it.

If I were king.......

2005-07-25T18:20:00.000-04:00

I would hire a fleet of ice cream trucks..
And instruct them to drive extremely slow through neighborhoods, but NEVER stop.
Fat kids beware..

Ha ha funny, but not Evil funny.

2005-06-21T17:58:00.000-04:00

I was at Wicks Pizza eating lunch with some co-workers when, mid meal, someone asked, “This is great, what makes a Chicago style Pizza different than any other pizza”? Never missing such a prime opportunity, I answered, “The last piece pulls out a glock….. steals your wallet and beats you with a pipe then tosses you into the trunk bound and gagged….
Everyone nearly spit up sausage, but the one female at the table seemed a bit frightened……. I guess just…. “steals your wallet” would have been ha ha funny.......... but not Evil funny.

Insults Uncommon.....

2005-04-17T00:00:00.000-04:00

* Your breath smells like Satans Farts. (my favorite)

Ramblings from hell....

2005-04-05T18:52:00.000-04:00

First of all, is the Pope still dead?
Because he is still in the news.
Normally I wouldn't notice, but about 2 years ago, I discovered AM talk radio. Once, at 8 in the morning, on the way to the golf course, My Dad was listning to Paul Harvey....and I slipped in a Slayer CD...Turned the knob and watched him lunge to the floor and lay in the fetal position, shaking like Ali on drinking binge.......I always made fun of him for listening to AM........ But here I am getting into the same barrel. Anyway, AM is great for the latest sports, news, a few funny comedy bits, and I thought, the best thing was, I didn't have to hear this fucking rock band play that fucking rock song over and over until I wanted destroy the universe. I thought I was saved........um, no.
I hear over and over how the Pope spoke today in front of 10 million people and said, "uuunnggghhhhhppffffffmmmmmaaaaahuuuuuuh?" What the hell was that? Please, in the name of all that is holy, REPLACE the Pope not more than 7 working days after his 2nd consecutive speech consists only of random sputterings and a translator to explain what he just tried so hard to say. I respect the position, and the man, and the religion, but when it gets to this point, someone please show some mercy...

STORY

Then, over and over, They're putting the food tube in, no, now they are taking it out....
..wait, it's in again, isn't it? Yes, it's in, oops, it fell out...ahhh, there we go....it's in. Did you turn it on?.....I thought they said take it out? It is out.....but you said it was in......??? Are you sure that's the right hole? But look the doctor just picked up a wheelchair battery and crushed in one of the protesters skull!!! It's over now, but would any one of you wanted to live like that...maybe? In a hospital bed being fed by a tube,......maybe?... FOR FIFTEEN YEARS!!!???.. maybe????? Having your annoying parents come over...... time, and time again speaking baby talk for endless hellish hours and there is nothing you can do about it.....??? No way in HELL!! I hate to see a life ended, but in this case, she is in a happier place now... Say "HI!" to my mom for my me and my sister! My Mom is the one kicking the shit out of the fat guy... Thanks!!!

We have a local celebrity (former Miss America), that was in an unfortunate car accident a few years ago. It seems she made a right turn in her SUV, which, I agree is done millions of times a day without a second thought, but in this case her second thought was, “Oh shit, I just drove over this asshole on his bike”. Yeah, it happens, but somehow she is now doing Triple A ads on the radio. I really wish they would have let me write the commercial.
“The guy from Triple A……… Chuck,.. helped me scrape this poor bastard off of the front of my Escalade; and the hood ornament, carefully removed from his brainpan, was easily remounted. He was even nice enough to hose the blood and bone from my chrome grill……THANKS CHUCK!!!!...... I just find it odd that Triple A would hire someone to do local ads that has actually blown a tire on someone’s spinal cord.

If I were king......

2005-03-22T13:32:00.000-05:00

** The one annoying, arrogant, trash talking, asshole that is on every episode of Fear Factor....
has to play without the harness.

** I would have a button on my steering wheel that detonates any subwoofer within a 200 yard diameter.....and an option to take out the driver.

** I would create a Reality show that begins like Extreme Makeover....
But ends like Punked. Vampire fangs, crossed eyes, clown nose, you get the idea.

More to come.....

Threats Uncommon....

2005-03-22T13:12:00.000-05:00

* I will punch you in the throat
* I can shred your spine with a circular saw
* I will smash your face with a propane tank
* I will impale your ribcage with a golf umbrella
* I will crush your skull with the rotting torso of a rodeo clown
* I will pull out your esophagus
* I will come over there and rearrange your face with a shrimp fork. (thanks Ang.)
* For every sprinkle i find....I will kill you! (thanks Stewie).
* I will strike you with force..you silly goose..and it might sting!!! (thanks Homo)
*

Hi Mom!!!!!

2005-03-10T15:23:00.001-05:00

Hi, Mom! I can't beleive it's been seven years since you left us. I hate that you can’t be here to share our lives. Ang and I have become so close since you've gone, you would be proud. Be assured that I Love Ang more than anything, and I am looking out for your little sweet pea, (not that she needs it). We both have new kitties, she has Suki and Gracie, and I have 2 sisters, Itchy and Scratchy. You would love them. I love you and miss you more than words can say...… goodbye for now.......Chris

Note to gamers!

2005-03-09T10:48:00.000-05:00

I spent $200 on a Gamecube just so I could play Resident Evil 4. 2 words........WELL WORTH EVERY FU*KING DIME..(ok, 5 words)
..I WOULD HAVE SPENT TWICE THAT!!! My sister mentioned it in her blog, www.noodleburgoo.com ,that she has never screamed like a sissy watching a video game........I got the double whammy...The shock of the game and her cowardly shrills ringing in my right ear....The secret is to turn the surround sound up just enough to make the neighbors fudge their huggies...(I have elderly neighbors), then hang on... Let me know if you’ve played.....

Death Metal band names.... that make you feel fine.

2005-03-09T10:45:00.000-05:00

* necrotic disgorgement
* rotting Christ
* Abscess
* Prozac staple
* goratory
* drawn and quartered
* cataract
* Guttural secrete
* Anti-depresive delivery
* massmurder
* intense mutilation
* God dethroned

Soon……The “PC” versions….

Light the match....

2005-03-03T15:39:00.000-05:00

Eh, I cant come up with anything........enjoy!

Chris